The last nine months have been quite the journey. I’ve watched Everett mature from a tiny newborn infant into a moving, giggling, babbling boy.
Little did I know, I had a lot of evolving to do, as well.
Looking back, I’m in awe. As the saying goes, the days were long but the months were short.
When you’re raising a human, things change drastically every few days, based upon their needs. The first week of Everett’s life was very trial and error. We had no idea what we were doing, but we figured it out as we went. I kept telling myself, “less is more”…
Coming home from the hospital, I was way more laid back than I thought I would be. Similar to when I used to ride my horses regularly, I had this deep-rooted instinct that my baby could sense how I was feeling; my nerves, my fears, my calmness. I found myself going with the flow, making sure he was held, loved and adored, but tried my best to make sure he wasn’t overstimulated with unnecessary “things” and “baby gadgets”.
When I needed a constant ray of sunshine and delight more than even I knew I lacked it, I was blessed with the happiest baby boy in the world. I truly believe that tiny human was placed in my body and then unto the earth with many purposes. One of them being to remind me of the golden moments that make up our lives.
I will spend my days making sure he knows he is my saving grace. The reason I breathe. The reason I take care of myself. The reason I want to wake up every single day.
Somewhere in the middle of these last nine months, I lost myself and was overcome with the blues that haunt many mothers post-partum. It was kind of like my subconscious was saying…
“Now that you’ve gone through this body and mind changing year, quick, fit yourself back into your life….or make a new one, or become someone new, or find yourself. Or become a hermit. Or become superwoman. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! DON’T SCREW UP! Oh and remember all of that mindless stuff you did before you were a mom? Well I’m going to remind you of it often and make you feel like a terrible person because it’s fun for me to do that to you while you’re trying to figure out motherhood…People are mad at you…Don’t make them mad. Don’t take up too much space. Find things in your life you can control and control them obsessively…!”
It hurts my brain just thinking about it. As embarrassing as it is for me to share that, I’m not there anymore, so I can talk about it.
Thankfully, I had a lot of support as I worked through that time…balance has been key [and once again I’ll push the book, Pretty Happy: Healthy Ways to Love Your Body, which was extra helpful to me during this time].
As I gained confidence as a mother and a young woman, I noticed my perspective on so many things changing. It’s been a good feeling to kind of sort of have my life together, pretty much for the first time ever. [I’m still very much figuring things out as I go, from motherhood to career, and beyond.]
Before Cory and Everett, there had always been something missing. I tried filling the void with all the wrong things for years. One obsession to the next. I was always looking for a forever …something.
I have found a large majority of that missing piece of myself in my love and marriage; Cory and I are fairly opposite but bring out a lot of good in one another. I’ll never forget looking him in the eyes when we said our vows almost two years ago. I knew then we were on to something indescribable. Marriage in itself is a beautiful, ever-changing adventure, and what’s more is it lead to something we will always have in common: parenthood.
Being Everett’s mom has forced me to grow more empathetic, hard-working, grounded, healthy, and overall more mindful. It’s forced me to make choices, to find myself, and to design a life I love from our home to my career. I’m very thankful for all of my life experiences, especially the journey that is motherhood.
Thank you, Everett James, for an astonishing, wholesome nine months.